Tag Archives: skills
Couples Communication
So often, I hear couples wanting to come in to learn communication skills. They say they can no longer talk to one another without fighting. In truth, it is the rarest of couples that I actually need to teach how to communicate. In fact, it is because they are communicating so well that they are fighting so much.
Couples have figured out what the other person is thinking and feeling (never mind if it is actually true), that they have given up listening. They just wait and respond with contempt, anger, and resentment. This is nothing new, we have seen the classic couple portrayed as fighting it out for as long as we can remember.
Still, why do these people stay together? Well, overall because they love each other. They haven’t stopped loving one another typically, it is that they are no longer know how to share their bigger dreams and desires. This has been documented time and time again by researchers like Dr. Gottman and Dr. Schnarch (who are both experts in the field). The bond hasn’t been torn apart but it has been broken down by snide comments, non follow-through, and unrealistic expectations.
You may read this and think “yep, that is my partner” but here is the catch, it is each and every one of us. We are human and we experience the whole realm of emotions and responses. This includes even when you do and say really crappy things to the people around you that you love.
As a therapist, I’m not here to stop anyone from feeling anything. In fact, I encourage every single feeling you have. I don’t think that suppressing feelings helps anyone. I think that being brave enough and honest enough to say that you hate, love, like, dislike, lust, and admire all different aspects of your partner is important. Our society doesn’t allow us to express these emotions, as in a healthy relationship we are “only supposed to do the happy parts” but that isn’t real. At least this approach isn’t real for something long term.
If you want to pretend that you don’t have times where you hate your partner AND pretend that your partner never has similar thoughts, then therapy may not be the best place for you. If instead, you want to be real and direct about the full scope of emotions and learn how to handle those feelings within yourself and with your partner in a healthy way well then, therapy is the place for you.
It isn’t easy being honest. Sure we all say we want it, but in truth we want someone to just love us exactly as is while we work to change them in all the ways we want. This is pretty much how it is for all of us, you are not alone in this desire. It also isn’t typically the best way to keep a relationship healthy. However, denying that these feelings exist doesn’t help situations either.
So one of the first places to start, is to sit down with yourself and have a real heart to heart. You don’t have to share your feelings with anyone else, but admit if you have moments where you just dislike your partner a great deal. This reality check helps you realize that you are fully capable of being honest. If you struggle with this step, then the rest might be beyond your abilities currently.
Next, consider what kind of context you currently have with your partner. If you have already established a truly open expression of feelings, then you might be able to express fully. However, most couples I know, even the really healthy ones, have trouble saying things when it is about “hard emotions”. No one wants to hurt another person’s feelings, unless of course you are angry. And that is the catch. We want to learn how to express the hard stuff when we are calm and loving rather than in the midst of a fight/flight moment of reaction.
If you don’t have the skills or the kind of relationship where you can share these tough feelings then therapy might be the next step towards becoming closer. Having a third party there to meditate through the emotions, help keep everyone on task, and someone from the outside to listen to everyone can change the dynamics.
Consider if you can be your authentic self with your partner. And if the answer is no, then look into ways that you can be more fully visible within your relationship. If the answer is yes, then smile and know that you are on the right track to a fulfilling life.
What to do when you can’t get away from your problems
There are times and situations where it is almost impossible to get space from the very thing making you crazy. It can feel overwhelming to be stuck inside your head, circumstance, or even the same room with what makes you want to run away. So what do you when you can’t get free?
We will start off with the self-care steps first:
You would try to remove yourself from the situation and take some deep breaths.
You would use a mantra or calming tones in your head or out loud to help you slow down your heart rate.
You would remind yourself that you are in control and make choices on how to react.
Once back in the situation you would either express verbally or non verbally that you will be taking a break from talking/fighting/interacting the the situation that makes you so uncomfortable.
If these steps are not possible then you do your best to stay within, deep breathe, and repeat anything that helps you take your mind off the situation. As corny as it sounds it does work to think of a calm, happy, or silly situation/place.
Then when you are home or in a safe place you can do the classic self-care steps of relaxing. You can read, shower, clean, meditate, read, watch tv, or just about anything you want to help take the stress off of the day.
But what if all the self-care sounds good but doesn’t work. You want to distract yourself, you want to mentally exscape, but you find yourself closer and closer to a panic attack?
This is when you look for support. You call your therapist, your family, your friends, a 800 number for support. You talk to someone outside of the situation to tell take some of the pressure off. It may not make any difference to the situation but that other person can provide you with some slight shift beyond that wich is taking you to such an emotional extreme.
Remember that life isn’t made to be easy. It is a fallacy that everything is going to be happy or even should be all the time. There is something to be said (don’t hate me too much here, remember I go through it too) for working through that which we fear and hate the most. You CAN deal with your emotions. You may not be able to change your feelings but you CAN change your thoughts. And part of the action plan for self-care includes taking on a slightly different perspective.
It is possible you will wake up and have to deal with the very same situation over and over again. And still there are those that have suffered much worse and made it through. You can find the strength within yourself and when you feel like you have nothing left call in some reinforcements.
