Tag Archives: media
Daily News staff writer
Technology and dating?
Not exactly a seamless combination.
In fact, many of us in the New Boomers generation wonder when to call? When to text and when is it appropriate to send a Facebook message?
Or, perhaps the most important question should be: What happened to old-fashioned face-to-face communication?
“When using other tools such as texting and Facebook, you’re not guaranteed you’re interacting with the person you think you are, and it also doesn’t give you a complete picture of who the individual is,” she said.
In fact, 93 percent of first impressions are based on what you see; just 7 percent is based on words, she said.
For some specific clients in long-term relationships, however, sending a text or a quick e-mail that says “I can’t wait to see you,” has been shown to light the fires of romance or intimacy that perhaps they were missing after being together so long, said Jasmine St. John, who specializes in relationships as a licensed therapist at JSJ Therapy in Madison, Wisconsin.
Also following a prospective suitor on a blog or Facebook can give you insight into how that person communicates and interacts with others, St. John said.
For example, it could be a red flag if the person is mean to someone on Facebook or it be an encouraging sign if you see the person is active in charity.
Instant communication is also a great way to keep in contact during the day for couples in new relationships who are experiencing brain chemicals that are making them crazy in love.
“We also have a bigger network to declare your love,” St. John said. “Before it was just the classic idea of a big airplane in the sky saying ‘I love you.’ Now you can tell the whole world.”
That community aspect where everyone in your Facebook network is updated on your social life can also be a detriment in situations such as when everyone finds out you experienced a break-up.
The constant communication may also be a negative because it can accelerate the relationship too quickly causing couples to burn out on the relationship, especially when the individuals begin to lose the brain chemicals making them infatuated.
Regardless, texting doesn’t make a great first impression because it is so casual and informal.
“But some clients have such anxiety about asking someone out in person that for them and the level they’re at even sending an e-mail or “hug” on Facebook is a step forward,” Jasmine said.
Nevertheless, if frustration ensues from a partner texting or e-mailing too much, Bockman recommends saying, “I enjoy hearing from you, but this isn’t the way I prefer to communicate.”
Recently there was a news report on the Young Milwaukee Poly group. It provides an interview with a triad and a few others (see the video of the interview HERE). It is such a simple little segment, so why should this matter? And the answer to that question is, it matters because it is rare when you see the local media portray alternative relationships in a real-life-non-sensational way.
The triad is a grouping of just regular people. This is of course something that most of us, that support non-traditional relationship configurations, knows without even thinking about it. However, to have a news organization actually interview in a way that shows polyamory in a normal fashion is a great advancement.
Once again we see that relationships come in many forms but the key to any of them is open, honest, and direct communication. Everyone knows what is going on, agrees to the formation, and works to ensure a loving environment. This happens all over the world but having it discussed on the news in our own Wisconsin backyard feels great! I am so pleased that those the in Young Milwaukee Poly group are creating a community where people can get together and talk about these ideas.
Madison has at least two Poly groups and you can find more information on them at:
And if you are curious about polyamory, need support with opening up your relationship, or working on polyamorous partner communication please feel free to contact me.
I was recently interviewed for $pread Magazine in regards to how a sex worker would look for a therapist that would not judge him/her. I am a sex-positive therapist which means that I support all alternative sexuality that a person would consensually choose to engage. Spread Magazine is a great publication that works to provide important information for those in the sex industry (i.e. pornography, prostitution, exotic dancing, dominatrix etc..) and I think it is important to continue to support the rights of those within the industry.
I think that it has long been understood that sex is going to sell. In my mind, there is no reason that it should not be legalized as a measure to help protect ALL of those involved. If we can create a safe environment for sex workers and their customers, I am whole-heartedly convinced that everyone involved would benefit. You do not have to agree with sex workers choice of vocation however, support each person’s right to be safe makes sense to all of us.
So here is an excerpt of the write up from Spread Magazine that I did with Bunny:
Because I stumbled upon my own sex work-friendly therapist by sheer dumb luck, I, personally had little insight for you. So I consulted with Jasmine St. John, LMFT of Madison, Wisconsin, for her pearls of wisdom. What follows are her ideas of how to start your search:
- Ask other people in the business. And ask people whose opinions you trust, period. Whether co-workers or friends, personal referrals are a great place to start. This works best if you are “out” as a sex worker to the people you ask, but even if you are not, ask anyway. Sometimes you can get a feeling if the therapist might be cool by the way your friends describe him/her.
- Look for therapists who use “alternative” or “altsex” in their marketing materials. These are signals for a non-judgmental toward the sex industry (among other things related to sex and gender).
- Look also for therapists who work with LGBT populations. They may be less caught up in out-dated thinking about sex and sexuality.
- Check out publications that promote the kind of politics with which you resonate, and see who might be advertising there.
- Ask for referrals from local organizations that provide services to sex workers.
- Finally, interview (briefly) potential therapists, and see if it feels like a good fit. Make a list of a few questions you want to make sure to ask, and spend about 10 minutes on the phone with each of them. You can ask them directly about their perspectives and biases. Make sure you have a good solid feeling about them before making an initial appointment. If you don’t find it, keep looking. The right match is crucial.
She also reminds us that a therapist does not have to be a current or former sex worker to be good. Their personal life history may be much different than ours, but there is a way in which they resonate with our personalities and our hearts. As Jasmine St. John says, “you deserve someone who will help you become more alive, more aware, and stronger.”