Tag Archives: abuse
I have been writing for MadisonKink.com for over a year now. However recently, I started doing an advice column. This month I’m happy to announce that we are answering the questions received in a video format. The first response is to the question that Kat in Madison, WI asked:
“Can you talk about the connection between past abuse and kink?”
So if you have any questions that you might want answered please feel free submit a question.
I had the opportunity to interview Dan and Dawn of Erotic Awakening . Erotic Awakenings is one of the most listened to podcasts dealing with kink and erotica. Jay Blevins joined me and we talked to Dan and Dawn about how they have integrated dealing with past trauma into their relationship.
Learn about how to have a healthy power dynamic relationship even when having trauma in your past!
Last week was tough for a number of clients. I got to thinking about how great it would be if Madison had an Anger Room (a safe place to express anger in multiple forms). Navigating angry feelings can be confusing and when you have abuse in your past it can be even more difficult to know what to do. A place like the Anger Room provides an outlet for learning about different expressions.
One might think that we all experience anger so what is complex about the process? Many of us suppress it for fear that we will act out in a way similar to the abuse or abuser we experienced. It is a scary thing when one has spent their life being a good, caring, gentle person who wants to stay away from conflict and angry feelings. It almost seems logical to become someone who is on the opposite side of rage. However, because anger is a universal signal that something isn’t right, problems occur if we ignore or push it away. People that experienced abuse didn’t feel that they could express themselves properly (for whatever reason) and were also taught that it was not okay to have the feelings of anger. Hence, in many ways their system is taught that it isn’t safe to have a response of anger, even when it is a healthy reaction.
Any time we pretend that our emotions don’t exist or don’t honor them, they float back up in unpredictable ways. And this very thing is often what a person is trying to avoid by suppressing the emotion in the first place. So what is a person to do if they are scared or unfamiliar with how to feel anger and express it?
One of the first things is to begin to identity when you think you might be having anger. You begin to be aware of when you feel angry and where it is in your body. This allows for grounding and a signal that you are accessing the situation beyond just a momentary reaction. Once you have basic identification of what you consider to be angry feelings, you can look at what the anger is about… the person/situation that is currently happening or a trigger to how you were treated in the past. Once these beginning steps are in place, you can look at how to express the anger in a healthy way*.
People hold anger in different ways and that means that what works for one may not work for another in providing some relief from the intensity of the emotion. Some people need a strong physical outlet, others need to write, many need to express the anger with the person (in a safe way) verbally, and others might need a more creative way to share these feelings.
Anger isn’t a bad thing, it is an emotional response to learn and teach you about your system. What is harmful is when you don’t allow yourself to express emotions in a healthy way. Your angry feelings are telling you to listen to yourself and look at the situation around you. This is a powerful tool for the ability to set boundaries, create a plan, and act in a healthy way.
*Please seek help from a therapist if you need assistance with this process.
I was recently reading an amazing post by hilzoy on the topic of why people might stay in a relationship that is abusive. There are so many factors that contribute to this choice, however they are often from a point of view that feels dis-empowering to the person being abused. While there are many valid arguments as to why someone would stay, this is one that explains in real-people-terms why even someone that is smart and rational would continue on even after the first time abuse happens.
If you are in a situation where you need help, support, or information regarding an abusive situation, please call. You will not be judged but rather encouraged to find solutions that work for you.
“It is difficult to understand why she stayed in this awful relationship, given that she was not risking starvation and had no children with her abuser.”
In some cases, understanding why someone stays is easy. A lot of women are afraid that their abuser would try to harm them if they leave. Staying in a case like this, at least until you had figured out how to leave safely and cover your tracks, is not mysterious or perplexing.
What is hard to understand, I take it, is why women who do not have obviously bad judgment, and who do not take themselves to be in serious danger if they leave, stay anyways. So I turn to them.
To start with, it helps to know that (last time I checked) the two most common times for violence to start were the honeymoon and the first pregnancy. By the time you reach either point, you’re already in a pretty serious relationship, and leaving is not something that anyone would do lightly.
Moreover, the violence often comes as a real surprise. It’s not that there aren’t signs: there are. But they are often things like: he falls for you too hard and too fast, or: he wants to be with you all the time. You’d have to be either paranoid or a victim of a previous abusive relationship to leap to the conclusion that either of these things means that abuse might be in your future. (Imagine, in particular, someone whose last relationship was with someone who didn’t seem to care about her: imagine her saying to herself: last time he didn’t care enough; this time he seems to care too much; am I impossible to please?)
So imagine yourself, in love with someone, on your honeymoon or pregnant, when suddenly this guy just goes ballistic, often for very little reason, and hits you. For a lot of women, this is profoundly shocking and disorienting. There are things that are comprehensible parts of the world, even if they’re rare, like having your car stolen; and then there are things that are unexpected in a completely different sense, like having your car turn into an elephant before your eyes: things that make you wonder whether you’re completely crazy. Being beaten up by someone who apparently loves you is one of those things.
What this means is that precisely when a woman needs as much confidence in her own judgment as she can muster, the rug is completely pulled out from under her. And it’s not just that she questions her judgment because she got involved with this guy in the first place; she questions her judgment because something so completely alien to the world she thinks she knows has just happened.
Under the circumstances, it is very, very hard to say: well, OK, I am married and/or pregnant, I am in this serious relationship, but I will nonetheless decide to leave, now, because I think I have to, and I trust my judgment. Trusting your judgment at that moment is like trusting your sense of balance when someone has just poured a fifth of vodka down your throat.
Besides that, there’s also the Jekyll/Hyde phenomenon. If I had a nickel for every woman who has said to me, “It’s like he was two people! Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!, I’d be a wealthy woman today. When I first heard this, I didn’t entirely believe it.
Then I encountered Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde myself. One fine evening, a guy I was involved with, a guy who was normally kind and decent and funny, suddenly went nuts. He started accusing me of all sorts of that were truly insane. (You’ll have to trust me on this one: things that there was no reason in our relationship or my character for him to suspect me of, not a scintilla of evidence to support, and that would have been wildly implausible about anyone.) He followed me around the house, screaming and screaming, for about ten hours. (You might wonder, why didn’t I leave the house? Answer: it was on the outskirts of Ankara, at night, and there was nowhere to go and no public transportation.)
In the morning I left to walk around and try to figure out what had happened, in the kind of absolute daze I described above. When I came back, he was appalled by what he had done, and not in the “I am beating up on myself” way I had always imagined, but in the way a normal person would be, if a normal person had somehow done something like this. It was completely baffling. It really was as though he was two people.
I did not leave then. He did it again four days later. After that I thought: right. It is conceivable to me that someone might do this once. But if he felt the way he seemed to afterwards, then having done it, nothing like that would happen again for, oh, at least several decades. The fact that it happened again four days later means that something is going on. I flew home shortly thereafter.
But consider my advantages. While I have the usual run of horrid insecurities, underneath it all I am reasonably self-confident. Nothing in my background or upbringing would in any way make it hard for me to leave. I’m a feminist. Moreover, at this point I had been working in battered women’s shelters for several years. That was crucial: I knew that this was emotional abuse, in a pretty strict sense of that term, and that that meant that it was very, very unlikely to change. I was, therefore, not inclined to second-guess myself, and that was immensely important.
With all that, I did not leave the first time.
Imagine someone who stays longer. The longer you stay, the more your confidence and your self-respect are undermined. The first time often comes out of the blue, but it is normally the beginning of a cycle, not a one-time episode. And more or less everything about this cycle is absolutely corrosive to a woman’s self-respect.
Beating someone up is, obviously, itself a gesture of immense disrespect. But there’s generally also verbal abuse: battered women are often told, repeatedly, that no one should listen to them, that they’re ugly, stupid, hateful, bitchy, and in all sorts of ways worthless.
As I said, it’s corrosive. The longer you stay, the worse it gets. And since, as before, the capacity that is under attack is the very one you need in order to get out, this makes it harder and harder to leave. And, of course, the longer you stay, the dumber you feel about staying.
There are several more things, though. First, abusers often isolate their victims. At first this can take an apparently benign form: he wants to be with you all the time; he wants to envelop you in a kind of cocoon; there isn’t time for other things. Later, it’s a lot less pleasant. Women who stay often try to keep the peace, and one way to do that is not to insist on seeing your friends and family. That, of course, makes turning to your friends and family a lot tougher later on.
Second, it would be a lot easier if abusers were sneering villains. But they are not. They are often charming on the outside. More importantly, they are often in genuine psychological distress. It often seems like a combination of two things: first, feeling as though if their wife left them, some truly terrifying abyss would open up in their minds and they would fall down into the darkness forever, and second, thinking that to prevent this, they need to keep her from leaving, to control her.
In my judgment, when abusers say things like: I need you, I’d be lost without you, I’d die if you left, many of them are not just kidding or being manipulative. They are serious, and they are often right. If you love someone who is in genuine distress, you normally don’t want to make things worse for them. And that’s what leaving looks like, up until the moment when you say to yourself: he will not change, at least not while he’s involved with me; this will not get better; and that being the case, I am not helping him by staying.
At that point, you can think of leaving as helping him. Until then, it looks like kicking someone you love when he’s down. Your husband or lover is in pain; he needs you; and you are going to leave. For some people, it’s easier to take sacrifices on themselves than to inflict them on others, especially others they love. That is not the worst kind of person to be. But it makes it much, much harder to walk out the door.
Again, consider the example of me. I was not beaten up, and the emotional abuse did not last long before I left. Moreover, I had no doubt at all that I was right to leave, nor was I particularly confused about whose fault this was. But despite knowing perfectly well that I had not done anything wrong, I felt horribly guilty for several months afterwards. It was the oddest thing: emotions that I knew were just completely misguided, but that were, apparently, settling in for the long haul. Getting over it was very tough. I don’t want to imagine what it would have been like if I had not known that I had done the right thing when I left.
I came into this with every advantage in the world. I left quickly. I got off easy. But for all that, it was very, very hard.
Working with clients that have experienced sexual abuse is a powerful process. I have witnessed time and time again the ability of the human spirit to overcome fear, pain, and negative patterns. There is a moment with each client where they internally begin to understand their worth and their view of the world begins to change.
So what is it like to go into therapy for dealing with sexual abuse? Well, it is scary. Very very scary. However, as cliche as it sounds it is usually the first session that is truly the hardest. It requires a great amount of strength to contact a therapist AND show up knowing that you are there with the intent to talk about that which altered your life so intensely.
Here is the truth. You were abused. You are afraid. You are angry. You are hurt. You don’t like yourself and you want to change that. The other truth is that you are unsure as to what therapy will do for you or to you.
You have fears of what will be discussed, what will not be discussed, will you freak out, will you die, will you cry and never be able to stop, will you hate yourself, hate your abuser, are you a liar, are you crazy, did you make all this up, will you ever get past this, will you repeat the pattern, what will happen to your day to day life, how will you cope, what if there is more, what if you can’t remember, maybe it wasn’t that bad, what if I am making a big deal out of nothing, what if you can’t push away the fears, how will you move forward, who will you be, who are you, what if your relationships change, what if you lose everyone, what if you have to do something you don’t want to, what if no one believes you, what if everyone leaves you, what if … what will… how do.. ? The list goes on and on and on.
Let’s get down to the concretes of what actually happens in therapy when dealing with sexual abuse. The client comes in and we talk about the process of abuse therapy and healing. We talk about the fears AROUND talking about the abuse. We talk about expectations and goals of what the client would like from therapy. We look at what specific changes the client will see from themselves as they feel they are moving forward and healing from therapy.
There is usually very little talk directly about what happened specifically. The client is welcomed (but itis based on their own comfort level they do not have to) share who their abuser(s) were and generally what happened afterwards in their life. The client is asked about who knows (if anyone) about the abuse and how those people reacted. There are questions about the client’s own feelings/beliefs about the abuse. And then usually I give the clients some basic readings on people that have experienced past sexual abuse. Finally I encourage them to contact me between sessions if they feel intense emotions based on anything we talked about or anything that comes up. This is an important step so that clients feel that they are not alone in the begininging steps of healing.
The following sessions weave in and out of abuse. I personally have experienced therapy where either there was too much direct talk about the abuse or too much out the outside. Neither approach worked to help me deal with the thoughts/memories/pain AND the real life expectations and patterns of the abuse. So I have created a method that allows us together to talk about specifics, deal with the anxiety of what bringing these topics is like and the consequences, as well as not spending too much focused time as to make the client feel they are trapped. There is discussion about current relationships, current self esteem, and current needs for boundaries. This provides a constant balance of dealing with the past trauma as well as the current reality of life and the future of positive patterns.
The nuts and bolts of the discussions of the past abuse vary from clients to clients. Some people need to talk about a certain abuser but not others, some people need to confront their abuser and some do not, some people need to share with others and some do not, some people need to work on anger and some do not, some need to work on sexual difficulties and some do not. These are only a few of the person-centered approach that is needed.
The basics are the same: dealing with the abuse is a process that requires truth, strength, and support. How we directly go about this requies the client to be willing to re-learn the truth process with a therapist like myself one step at a time. In my opinion abuse is not something you get over it is something that is always a part of you. It is not something that can change. However, what you do with that past and how it impacts your daily life and future choices is something that you are very able to change.
After years of working with survivors this much I know … that you are stronger than you think. You are still here, you are reading this, and you wanting to change. This is proof that you are able to take on the demons and win! Please call or email me if you want support in regaining control of your life!