Monthly Archives: June 2010
With the July American celebration around the corner…Jack Kerouac’s words fit with the passion of us all to be free!
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars…”
Chris Fisher usually talks about funny stuff… and his sarcastic approach makes me smirk.
Yet sometimes… when you aren’t looking… he will write some really powerful words of wisdom.
I wanted to share some of his work because I found it inspiring.
adrift and very unsure of my own thoughts, possible paths,
options that are presenting themselves, in some cases quite
some words lately, touched me, a lot more than expected. how
much suppression had really been going on within me? but more
importantly should they matter as much, those words. i’m fully
aware that i want things from other people that are often simply
too much for them, too much to give, too much to share, too much
to risk, on ME. this doesn’t inhibit my wants or requirements in
still lacking a solid foundation leaves me feeling completely and
totally unworthy of the attentions that get directed in my way.
yet as said above, my lust for them doesn’t fade. how do i trust
another when my own self trust is so very low. oh, there are of
course things i won’t do, a growing list of them it seems. yet
my attention can be so transient, so fickle.
lately i find myself missing a certain period of my life, where
there was a solid foundation, not for that reason, but for the
other things that were around. yet now with the hindsight one
gains from experience and age i can see how thin the veneer
was, the blankets being used to comfort, warm, my internal
cold emotional disposition. i was extremely present. was so
very available, to quite a few people.
yet there was a level of disconnection. that barrier has been
shattered within me. the problem is, after spending nearly an
entire life with these
barriers up, the deconstruction of them has left me wanting.
not just a usual amount, but like a child, who has discovered
a new favourite person, food, joy, laugh, moment. i want so
very much more of it and can’t honestly understand why i
should settle for less.
so here i sit wanting it all from someone else, ready to give
it all back. it’s just i’m so very clumsy at this engagement.
i’ve done so many years of together, many years of alone now,
and my preference is definitely towards the former.
realizing of course that not everyone else is at this point
is hard for me. or may ever be at this point. but i’m tired of
pretending i want less. this is my ONE life, and simply, this
is one area i refuse to compromise in, ever, again.
We humans are funny! We have this deep desire (and often expectation) that because we become aware of something that change will happen right away. Well, in many ways this is true… often just not in the ways we would prefer. It is very real that when we make a small step towards change it ripples into all areas of our life. However, what we really want this to mean is… we want to control the areas and time frame of how the change in created. And that part is where we start to freak out a bit … and it also is when we know change is really occurring.
The logical part of us tells us that if we make a change, things will get better. And the emotional part of us wants to believe that this is a real possibility. We have certain coping mechanisms that keep us safe but not necessarily move us in the directions that we want to go. Hence, we make change. We change our thoughts to something more positive, we stop the actions that keep us stuck… but the emotions.. oh those tricky emotions, they just keep… keeping on.
Why? Why would the emotional part (the main thing we want to change — how we feel about things) stay with us when we have done so well with changing our thoughts and actions? As far as science is concerned, we have yet to figure out how exactly emotions work. To the best of our current understanding, we have control (read: chemical responses we can influence to some degree) over our thoughts and actions. However, we are really unclear on if/how to control emotions.
Sure, we can create situations and invent theories as to why we have emotions and what they mean. But when it comes down to it, we don’t appear thus far to be able to control them. Our actions are the products of our thoughts and our thoughts create a response in us that is what we often call “a feeling.” If all of this is a little confusing, that is totally understandable. It is confusing…. welcome to an emotional response!
Our actions are the chosen physical response to our thoughts and feelings. They are the manifestation of all combined, so it makes sense that consciously we would be able to look at them most directly and make change. Then there are our thoughts which we do have a ton of influence/control over but we rarely consider this fact. Realize that you can be in a perfectly good state of mind and then you find out something and you begin to get anxious and your mood totally changes within and instant. Is this magic? No not at all, your thoughts matter and they can make a situation more stressful/upsetting/joyous. This is often why you hear people say “just slow down and be zen-like”. They are saying essentially that you can take in the information, your thoughts, and actions in a way that creates a more peaceful experience.
So great, we have our actions and thoughts working for us… but the emotions are still flying around. What is the point if I am still going to feel crappy? Here is the good news, it is a process for integration to happen. And it is all happening… For some it can appear like it is over night and others it can seem like forever. But that is part of _your_ process. Your psyche is listening on the deepest level to what you are fully able to deal with at any given time. If your emotions are not in sync with your thoughts and actions yet, it is because it is busy working on it. You can put more pressure on yourself to do it all faster, but the truth is… you only change what you change when you change it.
I can assure you from seeing it time and time again, that the process of growth isn’t always pretty in the midst. But the end result is always beautiful. Without the time needed for all parts of you to fall into place, we would just be dull and move from one thing to another without any place for growth. Hear me out, I’m not saying you have to be patient…. but what I am saying is… trust yourself and your process. Know that the feelings that are coming up are exactly as they need to be, you will handle them with thoughts and actions in a new way and from that change will naturally occur.
It is all happening… I promise… you are just about to get to the good stuff… don’t stop now!