Monthly Archives: August 2009
There are always multiple sides, reasons, and feelings to any situation. We know this for ourselves but often forget it when it applies to others. One of the hardest things to do is to realize that there is more to a story. We consider that if we just separate the pieces we can find fault and be done … but that isn’t how life or our emotions work.
People and situations are complex. We have a past, present, and future. We have who we are with our family, friends, our romantic partners, and most of all within our own being. There are factors of genetics, upbringing, environment, choice, and values. Everything comes together to help create a situation and a response.
Often times the one sided approach to a situation can help us maintain boundaries when we are feel scared. This works to help us push through however usually when we look more deeply we find that much more exists beyond the surface.
Any given situation can hold the realities of multiple emotions and ideas.
I encourage all of us to take on the strength to understand truth for ourselves. We may hear stories, gossip, or rumors but it is up to each one of us to discover what we believe on our own and for our own lives. With every person there is more complexity and richness than a one note explanation.
Be brave and challenge yourself to find what is good and honorable for you and your life without taking society, current culture, various others, friends, or family’s opinion as the only answer.
You are your own person and you hold your own values that help you reach your goals. You are a complex person and I hope you respect others for it as well.
Laura Munson wrote an amazing little article about how she didn’t leave her husband when he said he wanted out the marriage. This woman pretty much explains it all perfectly and there isn’t much I can add to her story but I will write this blog to encourage others. First off, read Those are not fighting words … it is an inspiring look at a relationship’s reality.
Now, just in case you decided that the few paragraphs were not worth your time, I will demand you click the link above and read it. I assure you, it is worth your time. Good… now we can move forward.
In my office, I get person after person questioning if they should leave their relationship, if it is already too late, if their relationship can be saved, or if they should just move on. Each person sits with their heart breaking open because they very much love the person with whom they are considering staying/leaving the relationship. These are real people with real emotional ties who want to do what is right.
When are you supposed to leave and when you are supposed to stay? Each situation is different there is no mistaking that point. However, there is something deep about considering that a relationship might be in the stages of some sort of growth that has little to do with you and very much to do with your partner.
If you are overall sure that your needs are being met, boundaries are being respected, that you are not being mistreated in a way that is beyond your capacity, and that you very much love your partner… then it might be worth considering to wait out the situation. Not everyone is prepared for the internal strength it takes to hold on while your partner is flailing about during hard times.
Still, allowing your mate to breathe on their own… find their own path… and to know that you will be there as they find their way … can be the very key to bringing you closer.
I find that many of us have lost sight of the fact that relationships go through hard times and that we can be cruel to one another. We blame, mistrust, and hurt our partner deeply. We say we know this but in action we break often under the pressure. I wish this wasn’t the case but often when two people share their most vulnerable parts they end up needing to protect themselves from the very person they want to be most at peace with. This is simply a truth.
So when things turn nasty and you are being attacked it is natural to want to run away from the situation. But maintaining a sense of self that can stand within the face of someone else hurting is another very true part of relationships. The ability to love without demanding the person change but allowing them to figure themselves out is a powerful expression.
I’m not asking you to stay in a relationship that you don’t want to be in (or that you feel is unhealthy/abusive for you)… however if you look at things and consider that you can wait out storm without attacking your partner then perhaps there will be a rainbow at the end.
Relationships require work and often times they hurt … but they can also bring great joy when you look back and realize that you endured and became stronger for allowing your partner to grow in the way they needed.
Taking space and giving space in loving ways is not an easy task but well worth the effort. Consider taking the wide persective on the situation and see if the long term gains are worth it!
Recently I came across a great post from studyhacks on the idea of boredom.
We just might be losing our ability to deal with uncomfortable situations… if it is being hungry, tired, conversations, or life. And if we are somehow not able to sustain ourselves through the various moments in our life that are not “100% happy” then what do we do?
What if being 100% happy isn’t the answer? What if we as humans were to experience the full realm of emotions.. including sadness, fear, guilty, or even boredom.
I feel like our American society has expectations for all of us to be happy, hyper, social, and talkative all the time. This makes no sense. What exactly is wrong with being unhappy? I’m not talking about deep long lasting depression that takes over your life. But why is being sad, crying, being lonely, or any such “negative feeling” a bad thing? Could someone please tell me how on earth we got this far? Yeah, it isn’t fun or easy but maybe that is a myth too.
What if some of us aren’t made to be happy all the time or what if ALL of us aren’t made to be happy all the time? Oh sure, you say that you accept it for others but do you accept it for yourself? Why put pressure on yourself to “get over” the sadness of a relationship, death of a loved one, or bounce back after losing a job?
Perhaps we are losing far greater than an inability to deal with things but maybe we are losing our sense of self…. what it means to be human. There is a wide spectrum of emotional responses and I would hope we would treasure them. Instead, it is as if we must all be happy robots.
I challenge you to allow yourself to feel negativity. I challenge you to live through those feelings that are hard instead of pushing them down. You are stronger than you might think and you just might learn something about yourself as you realize there is more to life than happiness.