Monthly Archives: April 2009
New Office Location
Well well… it is about that time. Those of you that are already clients have been briefed on the new location. However, I wanted to make a formal announcement in the blog. I am now officially located at :
6405 Century Ave Suite #201
Middleton, WI 53562
Now you can view a map of it on the website if you want a visual. However there are a few little tricks you need to be aware of:
1) My office is on the side of the building that is closest to Gino Italian Deli (It will make more sense when you get there).
2) I am on the second floor and that means you can take the stairs (to the right of the entry doors) or the elevator ( through two sets of doors and down the hall) to suite #201. I am located inside the Sperry Van Ness offices.
3) My name is not on the outside doors or the office doors yet. I expect that to happen within the next week or so. I will have some printed signs for the time being so you can locate the office.
4) Inside the office is a waiting room area with a secretary. She may or may not be there when you come for your session. She is not responsible for working with you. However, she is really friendly and her name is Beth. *smile* Just take a seat and when it is time for your session I will come out and get you.
5) IMPORTANT — If you come before regular business hours (8 am M-F) or on the weekend you will need to use the entrance code to get to the building. Please write this number down as I will be in with other clients and unable to answer my phone until your session time to let you in the building. . You will hear a buzz and at that time the double doors are unlocked. Go through them and then you can take the stairs or elevator.
If you have any questions feel free to call me. It is slightly tricky at first but once you see it you will understand. Welcome to the new office and I look forward to seeing you soon!
Tristan Taormino — Sexual Empowerment
I have been a long time fan of Tristan Taormino. She has done amazing work in the area of sexual positivity. She writes insightful books, creates a witty blog, and presents workshops. She was here in 2008 (and brought together our own locals like Minx and Gray ) so I wasn’t sure she would be here as part of her book tour or not. But she is going to be the keynote speaker for UW Madison Sexual Health Week — Date: Friday April 24, 2009 at 7pm. Location: 2650 Humanities, University of Wisconsin, Madison Admission: Free
Tristan’s most recent book Opening Up is a great look into the why, how, and real life approach into an open relationship — everything from jealousy, honesty, and reality of exploring non-monagamy. Having read just about any and all works that are out there on polyamory, I feel a specific connection to Taormino’s work. She takes on multiple perspectives on the topic. She is not out to convince anyone that open relationships are easy or perfect.
Many people feel the need to shout the virtues of open relationships as if there is nothing but glory to be found within the relationship dyanmics. On the other end, it seems as if many want to villify the the alternative sexual/relationship approach. It is hard to find a balance and I believe that Tristan manages to strike it.
Without going into the details of pro and cons of non-monagamy here in this post. I will say that I think that Taormino provides a great look at open relationships. If you are curious about if you might be interested in an open relationship, looking for basics on the ideas, or just wondering what the topic is all about then Opening Up is a wonderful book to start with!
Here is a quote that I specifically enjoyed because I often need to help clients through the understanding that they create their own relationship that works for them not set by standards of others:
“Some people have confused equality with symmetry, making the assumption that everyone should have the same thing…. Sometimes setting the same rules for both partners simply doesn’t make sense because you are different people who want different things. In attempting to give each person equality you could lose sight of what each person actually wants. Work to achieve balance rather than equality.
I would highly recommend you go and see Tristan speak. She is fun, energetic, honest, and very smart. You will enjoy yourself if you take the time to go hear her speak this Friday.
One small side note, with all relationships, if you are looking for support, direct help, or specific questions then seeking out an alternative sexuality therapist, like myself, is a recommended.
Amazon.com and lgbt — truths
I have gotten a lot of personal and professional questions about the recent issues concerning Amazon.com and lgbt literature. My basic understanding after having read numerous articles from friends, bloggers, and journalists from all sides of the controversy is that …
Well the facts are that amazon has some sort of system for filing lgbt and other (swing/poly etc) works under a system of “adult content.” They claim to do this because they reach a large audience. Okay, from a purely marketing standpoint I can understand it. You are running a business that caters to a ton of people and you want to be as boring as possible as not to freak any potential customers out. I’m with you on that one for a business profit ideal.
However, if you are going to do this to “protect children” for instance then 1) Perhaps you should screen the whole internet 2) take away the responsibility of parents to be responsible 3) allow for each family/person to make their own choice if they want this information censored.
I realize that I am an intense person who dramatically supports individual rights and those of sexuality. I am also a marketing minded person who understand the necessity of certain choices for business-sake. Still, I think that censoring for everyone on the basis of “adult content” doesn’t make much sense. We are not even talking about artistic nudes here. We are talking about non-fictional works (as well as fictional) about ideas surrounding gender and sexuality. How are these not educational? Aren’t we past the whole burning book phases in our American society? Perhaps … we are not and it is just the circles I run in.
However, I do understand catering to the larger audience. So allowing you an individual or family to “opt out” of any content makes sense. For instance, I would opt out for books being shown books about poppy seeds. I’m allergic to them and pretty much hold no interest at all for me. However, if for some reason I did want to search them I want the ability to opt back in for those results to come up in my searches and rankings.
Treating us like adults or adults of young children goes a long way. It allows you as a company to be respectful of the fact that not everyone wants to view (or have their children view) material they dislike or find offense. Also it allows the company to not think we are a bunch of idiots that can’t take care of ourselves.
Will there always be children and adults using the internet for unhealthy or inappropriate means? The answer of course is yes. However, we are not in the need of a large company dictating to us what literature (or anything else for that matter) we should or not be viewing. Let us make our own choices for ourselves and our family.
Now to directly address the questions I have been asked. I do not actively think that amazon.com hates lgbt literature. I do not think they are directly trying to keep information away from people. I do think that either they were/are misguided in “adult content” choices as a rather big-brother business move OR that it was truly a glitch that happens a while ago and was not dealt with properly OR others took advantage of the system with ranking and other attributes as a means for dealing with their own personal agenda OR it is something else entirely that we are unaware of.
It doesn’t make sense for a company as large as amazon.com to damage their reputation with the lgbt community. I don’t think it is some hugely sinister plot as others may state. I think it is a poor choice in coding, some of the employees not handling the situation correctly, some mix up, some others exploting the system, or some combination there of.
I think the matter should be dealt with and corrected. I do think people (those authors specifically) should be upset by this and some actions be taken (what those actions are exactly I’m not sure). I do think that amazon.com has hurt their reputation for a good while and will suffer some for it. However, I do not think they hate the lgbt community. Companies mess up, they make poor choices, and the market lets them know it… just like they have in this case.
I applaud the lgbt community for standing up and being heard… but I don’t think the heads of amazon.com should be put on sticks and marched around the town square. Just like I don’t think amazon.com is out to be evil. There is a gray area and we all live within it. Let’s try to remember that while the demonizing from all sides continues. It takes all of us to make the truth.
Ending friendships due to a breakup…
There is so much emphasis in our society put on ending romantic relationships but very little about friendship. Recently a client was discussing how after her divorce a friend commented that she was also divorcing her friends. This came as a shock to her system. She knew that some friends would pick sides but she never thought that she might also be acting in a way that would push some away.
All parts of our life are interconnected. Hence it makes sense that when we have a major event (like a break up) happen that it will blend into everything else. Our emotions are not on a solitary island just sitting around in the sun reading a good book. They are moving around and brought up based on our thoughts, environment, sense data, situations, and our whole mind/body connection. The truth is… just about anything can trigger us when we have had something big happen in our lives.
During a break up we feel a mix of feelings and at times it can seem overwhelming. We often take a look back and forward and get a little scared at the choices we have made and will contintue to make. Many of these fears are based on lessons learned from our family interactions. Still, even if we are not aware of what is exactly going on when we see multiple shifts in our lives all at once, there is usually something that strings it all together.
For example, you have a break up and then you find yourself having a big blow up at work or more specific to this is the idea that you and a friend are at odds. You have a hot and cold relationship with a friend for years and now you finally can’t take it anymore. You have ended your romantic relationship and it just seems like too much to keep on with a friendship that isn’t really working. Numerous factors come into the situation here. It is possible that you are just overloaded with other emotions and need a break to center and it has nothing to do with your friendship. It could be that your friend is overwhelmed in his/her life and needs a break to center and all will be better once you two take some time apart.
And there are other potential issues … those focusing on internal struggles from the past and present. If your friendship mirrors your most recent romantic relationship there is a good chance that you will naturally see those problems areas as something that is in need of change. Also, if you have a past template (perhaps from a parent) of this relationship, you will most likely need the desire to make a change as well. Very rarely, are we conscious of these triggers but we tend to react in a dramatic way that creates a shift.
Many times the initial “spike” (as I tend to call it) has little to do with the current relationship but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a part of it. No matter the context, being able to see your pattern and make change is crucial. You can have a big-knock-down-drag-out-fight with a friend as a way of getting away from your past romantic (and/or familial relationships). However, I would encourage a more thoughtful and gentle approach.
If you are experiencing some overlap with relationships after a breakup then write them down. Really take some time to investitage what areas feel as if they are really hard right now (or perhaps always have been) and consider how your friendship works to deal with these concerns. Then when you are in a calm place emotionally think through addressing these issues with your friend. Imagine what it would be like if you had an adult-healthy interaction with this person …stating your needs and things you would like to change between the two of you. Assuming you can envision something positive then take the next step and talk with your friend. Explain that some areas have come up due to your recent break up that makes the friendship strained and that you would like the two of you to work together to change this dynamic.
Now if you don’t see the possibility of working through the issues, then you can take some space. You do not have to create and all or nothing situation in the friendship. You can suggest that you need some time to sort through some recent emotions and that you will be in touch with the person when you have worked through them. This creates a boundary for yourself, which is important, as well as not burning bridges of the friendship. You may never change your mind but then again with time you might be in a different place to want to be closer again.
The main points are not to just react… make conscious choices, look at what is upsetting you, consider the patterns, and then work towards change within yourself. You have the strength and skills to change your relationships. You can not control what the other person does but you can control yourself. Acting in the most honorable, caring, and calm way possible allows you to feel as if you have done all you can to handle the situation. This means that if you do have to walk away from the friendship you can hold your head high knowing that you treated the other person as you would want to be treated if the situation were reversed.
—I recommend also looking at a recent article about how to get closure on friendships that have ended.
