Monthly Archives: October 2008

How to cope with pain

October 23, 2008   ideas, self, support, therapy

We have all done it. Paper cuts. The thin slice makes you want to scream and for a day or two all you can do is keep feeling your fingertip bump into just about everything. You realize how directly you use your fingers and sort of wonder how you ever made it through life before the paper cut. This example is small but it is real.

Pain of the physical (and emotional for that matter) is real. It can be a long drawn out illness or a short burst of a sickness. Either way being in pain is hard. You physically ache and you feel overwhelmed by everything around you. The world seems harder to bare and you just want to stay under the covers.

Pain isn’t a solitary issue… it creeps in to our relationships. For those of us that live with, care for you, or want to avoid you during pain … your wellness level matters.  It is hard enough being sick or in pain without having to worry about everyone feelings but we are intricately connected and what we feel is shared with us even if we do not voice our discomfort directly.

So what happens when your pain threshold is reached by you and those around you? Well the truth is that you do your best to take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it. Sounds simple enough but these two things are hard for us. Sometimes we do not want to be sick or in pain and want to avoid the very idea of caring for ourselves. Of course we know this isn’t healthy and would never recommend it for another but for ourselves we try to “push on through”. The second can be even harder for some because you are showing your vulnerability. There is a risk in asking for help because it is very possible that the person will not want to help. Then you feel in pain and alone. We often will do whatever we can to avoid the idea of slowing down for health reasons and/or asking for another’s support.

And while the above reasons, and many others, are valid in nature they do not provide us with the core answer to the issue. When we are sick or in pain we need to rest, slow down, and take the necessary steps to recover. This just the truth of the matter and very little happens if we try to avoid it. Also, there are some pains that we simply can not tackle alone. Being in pain feels huge and so taking on the task of healing can appear even more overwhelming. True, you might ask for help and not receive it but at that point you have lost nothing. And even if the person you are asking doesn’t want/or can’t help they most likely will have an idea of someone that can help.

The thing about human nature is … we rarely want to see another suffer. There is something deep within each of us, even the most harshly selfish, that makes us want to help another in pain. This makes sense considering that we want to keep the species alive. Beyond the most basic levels of our nature we also want to be there because others have been there in our time of need. It is a cycle of giving back that makes sure that we move forward.

I’m not suggesting that pain is not isolating. It is. Pain can make you tired, upset, and fearful. It can push those away that you love most in your frustration in the healing process. However, if there is one thing I would suggest to those of you in pain currently, it would be to think about how grateful you will be when you are on the mend or in full recovery. Just like with the paper cut … you realize that you were taking your body for granted and now you have an opportunity to rejoice in being healthy.

This may all sound rather trite, but I assure you that when you take the time to reflect back on being healthy, strong, and without pain you will find yourself smiling. Not paying attention to not being sick is how we usually exist. It doesn’t make sense to focus solely on how we are without pain, yet when we have experienced pain we then find even more space and appreciation for the lack of it.

It boils down to this… take care of yourself and slow down when you are in pain, ask for the support of others, and look forward towards a time when you are healthier.

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Madtown Spank Fest

October 14, 2008   bdsm, kink, sex, sex positive, sexuality

We are a lucky group here in Madison because we have just enough kink functions to keep most people busy every weekend. It also means that if you are new to Madison and/or the kink community you have an opportunity to learn at Madtown Spank Fest! It is an adult only function but you do not have to any previous knowledge of BDSM/kink to attend. You simply need to have an open mind and be ready to explore.

Now you can go on the website and see more details about presenters (myself included!) and demos but if you are new to “the scene” you may be a bit nervous about attending a mini-convention of this sort. Rest assured your friendly alternative-sex-therapist is here to help walk you through the basics.

1) Do I have to dress up in leather and/or be tied up in front a bunch of people?

This is pretty much one of the first things that always gets asked of me if it is about a convention or a play party. The answer is… no you do not have to do anything … unless you want to. You can wear casual clothing. Also, Spank will have specific times for a play party that you may or may not attend depending on your desire. You may also attend and just watch, I promise it is 100% okay to go and just be a voyeur!!

2) Will people try to talk to me and expect me to know all the terminology/lingo?

Well… some people may try to talk to you because they are friendly and eager to help but you are not going to be expected to talk or answer questions. And a huge part of this event is for new people to come and learn. The organizers really care about helping create a community that is welcoming. So if you want to talk you can, if you want to ask about stuff you can, and if you want to be silent you can do that too.

3) Do I have to know if I am a Dom/Top/Master/Mistress/Sub/Bottom/Slave/Switch before I go?

Goodness no you don’t have to know anything other than an interest in finding out about BDSM… that is it. I swear to you that no one will make you confess you know what flavor of BDSM you happen to like. However, this is a great place to help you discover possible interests and/or leanings you may have in the power exchange arena.

4) What if I don’t like something I see or here?

It is possible that you may go to a demo/class and realize that what you are learning about doesn’t work for you. That is totally okay and you are welcome to leave and wait for another presentation to begin. There is no hard and fast rule that you have to be “into” everything that is displayed. You are encouraged to have an opinion as to what works and what does not work for you personally.

5) What if I freak out?

Well, that all depends. If you feel overwhelmed by all the data that comes your way and it is positive then you can discuss that with others, write about it, go try something, and/or process it in the way that works best for you. If you feel like the whole scene is just too much for you right now then you are encouraged to do similar things as mentioned above for processing as well as perhaps leave Spank earlier than expected.  If you feel like you are enjoying things so much and your life will change forever and you are not sure how to go back to your old self, then I would say seeing someone like me could be helpful as a way to help you learn to accept your evolving sexuality in a positive way.  No matter what, you will have people there and/or in your life that will support you. I encourage you to share your experience with someone you trust in a way that feels safe for you.

Sexuality can be a tricky journey and Spank Fest is just another stepping stone in helping you along your path.  Still, I do know for a fact that if you have questions, are new to the scene, want to learn more, or see things in a safe way then Madtown Spank Fest is a really good place to start. Plus, I’ll be there and you are more than welcome to come up and ask me questions.  That is what I’m there for!

I hope to see you there in just a few weeks!

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Guilty Pleasures are Therapist Approved

October 10, 2008   ideas, self, self esteem, therapy

We all things that make us smile. There are little quirks that we indulge in that maybe are ultra popular, ultra cliche, or ultra cheesy but for whatever the reason we feel better when we partake.  There is a name for these little bits of fun “guilty pleasures.”

We may not be proud of taking pleasure in watching Grey’s Anatomy, playing video games, drinking Starbuck’s coffee, reading romance novels, singing to 80′ music in the shower, or checking the lolcats every morning.

However, I would challenge that these happy little moments should be put in the same thought process of guilt. If you take pleasure even for a moment in something that makes you smile, forget the hardship of life, or helps you recenter… then I say go for it!

Life is tough enough and why shouldn’t we let ourselves watch our favorite movie for the 17th time if it makes us happy? We all need a break from the monotony, stress, and concerns of our lives. Also when we can take little moments to take-a-breather we are all the more able to deal with real pain when it comes our way.

We invest in our own lives with each choice, each day, and each interaction. It only makes sense that we would also make a point of enjoying ourselves in ways that feel luxurious to us for whatever the reason. You don’t have to tell anyone that you like to make rice crispy treats once a month as a way to relax and splurge, but I would encourage you to be brave and proud of who you are.

There is no shame in finding joy… take it where you can and embrace it 100%. The more you take ownership of your own happiness the more you have the ability to increase it. There is no need for guilty with pleasure. Love your life and your choices and your happiness!

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How to stop being angry

October 4, 2008   ideas, self, therapy

There are a lot of books, articles, and ideas about how to deal with anger.  Many of these approaches work for those that have been physically abused in various forms. But what about if you grew up in a relatively normal way? What happens when you find yourself furious at every turn for what feels like almost no reason at all?

Many well tell you to breathe through the anger… this works. Others will tell you to consider the consequences… this works too. But what if part of your anger is that you never let yourself be angry at the right place, right moment, or right person?

Justifiable anger is a hard load to carry. You have valid reasons to be upset but not enough to really feel okay about what you are doing. You want to change the fact that you snap at the kids too quickly, jump down a co-workers throat, or scream at the car in front of you… but you just don’t know how.

So how do you stop being angry? Well, for many one of the first steps is to look at where the anger starts. Anger is a secondary emotion … it is easier to express then fear for most people. Also most of the anger came at a time in their life (i.e. childhood) where taking on the person that did an unjustice to you was not possible. This seed of frustration builds into a rage that is never fully expressed.

It seems out of sorts to say “My dad ignored me and I never dealt with it so now I lash out at what feels like random events.” but the truth is that unexpressed anger has had a lot of time to fester. If you were not able to express the pain or hurt from years ago it makes perfect sense that now as an adult you would feel empowered to respond to situations with more strength.

But when you realize that you have not directly allowed yourself to address the situation, then the unconscious will process it for you. Everything feels like a slight when you have an unresolved wound. You want to protect yourself from harms way so you put up denfenses of anger as a sheild. Your emotions don’t match the context of the situation but you have no other way to deal with it.

So once you find the root of what the pain is and you deal with it (through therapy, screaming, yelling, talking to the person, crying, reading books, or a host of other things) things find their way into perspective again. You don’t have to lash out at the world around you for safety sake instead you get to express your feeling in an adult way and set boundaries so that you can move forward freely.

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©2008-2012 JSJ Therapy. email: jsj@jsjtherapy.com Jasmine St. John, LMFT, WI #788-124