As a psychotherapist who works with clients often in areas of sexuality, I am privileged to openly discuss topics that many would normally shy away from in regular conversation.  However, while reading the book, I couldn’t help wondering how many people could benefit from the stories within?  The essays elucidate topics that are often only spoken in hushed tones, if at all. It is the kind of book that will challenge your perceptions and provide insight into the way others live their lives.

There are some stand-out pieces, for instance: Seth Fischer eloquently shares his experience being bisexual.  The reader is brought into his reality and within you find the pressures of expressing, especially when it doesn’t fit into the boxed norm.  In Conner Habib’s essay on sexual encounters at rest stops, there is a sense of nostalgia that is formed. His words find the romanticism in the lost art of anonymous sex at highway bathrooms.  I told you there is the unexpected in this book.

Madison Young discusses her ability to balance the complicated life of a driven professional, artist, mother, partner, and submissive.  And finally, the editor herself, Rachel Kramer Bussel, takes on the topic of age play. But before you think can’t handle reading about such topics, I’ll remind you that the editor, like so many of the authors, take you through the experience as a trusted friend, rather than someone you could not possible relate to.

Many of the areas of sexuality that are discussed in the book are done so in such a way that even if you vehemently oppose the viewpoint, you can’t help but realize there is a real person behind the words. The stories touch you on a deep level, these are real people. The essays reflect the changing and challenging ideas of sexual expression.  Here is to hoping for more and that people will read this book to discover new perspectives!

JSJ Therapy

Jasmine St. John MS, LMFT

Email us with questions or comments or ideas:  TwoTherapistTalking@gmail.com

TwoTherapistTalking@gmail.com

Her podcast can be heard the first Friday of every month on Playboy Radio’s Spice 103 on SiriusXM  (8 pm CST) or at  www.spyceybuzz.com.  Be sure to check it out!

It is a powerful presentation please take the time to watch it. I think most of us know what it is like to be treated poorly for being outside the norm. We can make a difference in how we interact and inspire others.

Watch it here now:

There were a few things that struck me when watching this 17 minute documentary from the late 1990s. First was that these girls were living in a time before the internet was all encompassing. They were writing zines to pass out to others about their ideas and considered themselves riot grrls (term for young feminists at the time). This doesn’t seem that out of place now, however in the late 1990s if you were displaying a strong view point that went against the norm there wasn’t a way to really connect with others outside of your area. You were stuck feeling alone and isolated. Hence, these girls only had a few others to relate to and more often than not, they were ridiculed without any place to connect with others that shared their views.

The second notion that came to mind was that these girls had been through a recent family divorce, molestation, and bullying. Therefore, when their classmates made claims about them having a rough family life and having problems, it was true. Yet, there is something so damaging about attacks of the other classmates. There appeared to be no compassion, understanding, or context.  While, it is long know that teenagers are cruel to one another, I couldn’t help but wonder if they were to interview those same classmates if they would wish they had treated the “dirty girls”, as they were called, differently? As the years passed, would they cringe at the way they treated these girls as the video has now gone viral? Would they sit in their homes more than 15 years later watching this video and feel any remorse. Perhaps that is me just wishing that some form of kindness and that time provides more experience and compassion… but the idea kept me curious.

Finally, the main point that hit home, was that these girls were shamed for being who they wanted to be. Sure they had some really rough challenges which creates some justifiable anger. Yes, they were teenagers and expressing themselves from a limited scope due to their age and life experience. Yet when you hear them interviewed they are passionate, articulate, and authentic. I know I’m not alone in feeling that these girls never should have been treated this way. I realize that high school can be brutal  but it is worth repeating … shaming someone if it be in adolescence or adulthood can have lasting effects.  It can take years and years to rebuild when you have been made to feel less than.

Now the beautiful thing is… I bet these two sisters are doing just fine. I presume that their strength of self conviction has gotten them through those very excruciating times. They were different, odd, didn’t fit into social norms, and they were vocal about it. They pushed the boundaries and the insular nature of their school pushed back.

The take away here is, that if you are shamed for being different, you can make it through. There are others that share your experience, values, and want to connect. You are not alone and with the internet there is an ability to find others. You don’t have to live your life isolated being told that who you are is wrong.

From that acceptance, I would hope that if for some reason you have a moment to consider speaking negatively about someone, you would decide not to shame them. You are welcome to respectfully voice a differing of opinion but realize that shaming another person can often breakdown the foundation of another.  If you are confused by this, just ask yourself if you would like someone to treat you in the same way, and let that be your guide.

I encourage you to watch the short documentary and decide for yourself what you think. Side note — the director mentions seeing the main girl interviewed appeared to do well and he hopes to do an update on their lives soon

Review of  Solution Building in Couples Therapy by Elliott Connie

Sex Geekdom’s mission is to create community for sex geeks. The hope is to feel happier, more productive, and connected by regularly interacting with other people who are passionate about sexuality, sexual health, and making the world a more sex-positive place. This interest extends well beyond that which would simply improve one’s own sex life. While clearly this kind of scholarship would likely lead to better sex for the individual, sex geeks like to learn about sex for the sake of learning about sex.

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