Category Archives: sex

Sex Geekdom Madison

February 8, 2013   ideas, jsj therapy, kink, lgbtq, polyamory, sex, sex positive, sex workers, sexuality

Starting this month Madison has a new group dedicated to education and study of sex and sexuality. Sex Geekdom Madison. “Sex geek” or “sex nerd” is an identification used by many people in the sex-positive community to describe their unusual, academic, and/or voracious interest in sexual knowledge. There are Sex Geekdom groups in Melbourne, Sidney and Los Angeles. And now in Madison!

Sex Geekdom’s mission is to create community for sex geeks. The hope is to feel happier, more productive, and connected by regularly interacting with other people who are passionate about sexuality, sexual health, and making the world a more sex-positive place. This interest extends well beyond that which would simply improve one’s own sex life. While clearly this kind of scholarship would likely lead to better sex for the individual, sex geeks like to learn about sex for the sake of learning about sex.

Anyone that has an interest in sex and sexuality is invited to attend (18 years of age and older). The meetings are informal events where you can meet other like minded individuals for conversation and discussion. If you are interested in knowing more you can find the group on MeetUp.com.

Read More

JSJ Therapy Presenting at 2013 WAMFT Conference

January 26, 2013   alternative sexuality, bdsm, books, kink, media, sex, sex positive

JSJ Therapy and Awen Therapy have been selected to present at the 2013 Wisconsin Association of Marriage and Family Therapy conference. Jasmine St. John MS, LMFT and Jay Blevins MS, LMFT will be presenting on the topic “Myths of 50 Shades of Grey: Talking about BDSM with Clients.”  We will provide other therapists with information and education on BDSM and certain misconceptions from the popular book. Our hope is to present a sex-positive and non-judgmental discussion that allows therapists to learn more and provide their clients with an accurate look at this part of alternative sexual expression.

Read More

Madison Kink Advice Vlog

January 21, 2013   alternative sexuality, bdsm, jsj therapy, kink, sex, sex positive, support

Latest advice video for MadisonKink.com.

Newbie wrote, “Hi, we are in our late 50′s. Will there be others in our age group?”

Anonymous wrote, “Does kink play always involve sex?”

Submit your questions at advice@madisonkink.com

Jasmine St. John, LMFT
www.JSJTherapy.com

Read More

Tristan Taormino — Sexual Empowerment

April 20, 2009   books, ideas, media, sex, sex positive, sexuality

I have been a long time fan of Tristan Taormino. She has done amazing work in the area of sexual positivity. She writes insightful books, creates a witty blog, and presents workshops. She was here in 2008  (and brought together our own locals like Minx and Gray ) so I wasn’t sure she would be here as part of her book tour or not. But she is going to be the keynote speaker for UW Madison Sexual Health Week — Date: Friday April 24, 2009  at 7pm.  Location: 2650 Humanities, University of Wisconsin, Madison Admission: Free

Tristan’s most recent book Opening Up is a great look into the why, how, and real life approach into an open relationship — everything from jealousy, honesty, and reality of exploring non-monagamy.  Having read just about any and all works that are out there on polyamory, I feel a specific connection to Taormino’s work. She takes on multiple perspectives on the topic. She is not out to convince anyone that open relationships are easy or perfect.

Many people feel the need to shout the virtues of open relationships as if there is nothing but glory to be found within the relationship dyanmics. On the other end, it seems as if many want to villify the the alternative sexual/relationship approach.  It is hard to find a balance and I believe that Tristan manages to strike it.

Without going into the details of pro and cons of non-monagamy here in this post. I will say that  I think that Taormino provides a great look at  open relationships.  If you are curious about if you might be interested in an open relationship, looking for basics on the ideas, or just wondering what the topic is all about then Opening Up is a wonderful book to start with!

Here is a quote that I specifically enjoyed because I often need to help clients through the understanding that they create their own relationship that works for them not set by standards of others:

“Some people have confused equality with symmetry, making the assumption that everyone should have the same thing…. Sometimes setting the same rules for both partners simply doesn’t make sense because you are different people who want different things.   In attempting to give each person equality you could lose sight of what each person actually wants.  Work to achieve balance rather than equality.

I would highly recommend you go and see Tristan speak. She is fun, energetic, honest, and very smart. You will enjoy yourself if you take the time to go hear her speak this Friday.

One small side note, with all relationships, if you are looking for support, direct help, or specific questions then seeking out an alternative sexuality therapist, like myself, is a recommended.

Read More

A new kind of porn star — Sasha Grey

March 6, 2009   gender, ideas, media, sex, sex positive, sex workers, sexuality

Whatever you may think of pornography on a personal level, there is reason to consider informing yourself with information about current version of female porn stars. You might disagree with pornography on multiple levels or not but you can not push aside the fact that the women and men involved are real and should not be exploited.  No longer is it all about women being taken advantage of or females from abusive homes (although both of those do still exist).  There are numerous female run film studios, female pornography created with straight and gay women viewers in mind, as well as many female owned business catering to the industry … everything from health care to legal groups fighting for continued rights of this in the industry.

Jenna Jameson revolutionized pornography with her version of female empowerment a few years back. She started marketing herself, her work, and created an brand that she fully controlled. Jenna was no longer clumped with the idea that pornography is exploitative. She took control of her past, present, and future. There is a reason you have probably heard her name and if not I encourage you to read her best selling book, to learn more of her as a person.

With Jenna blazing the trail the roads have opened up for women joining the business. And that brings us to the Sasha Grey. She is a glorious intelligent woman with an intellectual and feminist stance on her life and work. She refuses to be stamped as just a mainstream artist or an up and coming porn star. Sasha speaks her mind truthfully and that often ruffles feathers. She is not ashamed of her choices and takes full responsibility for her body and mind.

To see a young woman defend her choices in an intellectual, calm, and strong way is a beautiful thing. She most recently was attacked in the press and Sasha came back with a vengeance explaining her views.

One of the great quotes from her letter is below:

I am neither ashamed or reluctant to admit what I do is performance art… This resonates two of my primary objectives in the adult business… one: challenge the idea of what women are supposed to like or be like in bed, and two: most of the porn I used to watch was boring and I wanted to make it more fulfilling for myself and viewers. These statements were made in order to challenge the one dimensional, romanticized Hollywood-idealized perception of “couples friendly sex”.

I am a very sexually healthy young woman and I take pride in the liberation of female sexuality, I have a cause, I am determined, and I am a hard worker (pun intended). As a sex symbol, with an intellectual stance, I am and will continue to be vilified, and I am ok with that…in fact I am content; it gives me the opportunity to shed the light on the darker areas of sex and validate the insecurities of sexually repressed women. The days of victimized, disturbed porn stars (and civilian women) are fading away… I am the new breed.

So beyond any and all negative views one may or may not have about pornography, there is something to be said for a woman making her choices in a conscious way.  Sasha is speaking her mind, declaring her independence, and quickly changing the way the public views the porn industry. I applaud her strength of will and intellectual abilities.  If one is going to choose to be in the sex industry, it is my hope that a male, female, or trans individual will do so as well informed, direct, and powerfully as Ms. Grey.

Read More

Sweden figures out alternative sexuality

November 30, 2008   bdsm, gender, ideas, kink, media, sex, sex positive, sexuality, trans

I have love the Sweds for as long as I can remember. I was raised on Abba goodness from an early age. The Swedish flag and the Sexual Equality sticker always remind me of one another. Perhaps all this and more has lead me not to be surprised at all that Sweden has gone and figured out how not pathologize those with a differing consensual sexual choices.

Basically the National Board of Health and Welfare in Sweden officially decided to declassify seven sexual behaviors because they felt they were not an illness.  The Swedish people will soon be able to engage in sadomasochism, fetishism, and transvestitism with more freedom than ever before.  I’d love to throw a little Swedish theme party in honor of such greatness. I have a visions of turning an Ikea into a club for a night. All that pretty furniture could be used for play-party fun.

While I celebrate for my sexual exploration friends in Sweden, I have to wonder if this has any impact at all on Americans. Marty Kline, one of my all time favorite people, has a great little article on this topic. I fear that we as a country are still struggling with the idea of homosexuality that it will be a while before real change occurs in our national outlook on other forms of sexuality.

However, I feel that each one of us can provide a pathway towards understanding and acceptance. You don’t have to be partake in any alternative sexuality to believe that what consenting adults do in their own bedroom is their own business. You can personally talk with another person, assuming the subject comes up, about how it may not be your kind of thing but that it doesn’t make it sick or dangerous.

Differing sexual acts can be scary to those that are not familiar with it. However, like most things in life when something is new it feels a bit anxious provoking. So remember if you have ever spanked someone lightly on the butt during sexual intimacy or perhaps had your hands held down … then you two are engaging in parts of alternative sexual behaviors. Should you be considered immoral, unhealthy, or a danger to others?  No… I didn’t think so.

We are all just people looking to explor our own sexuality. Whatever you choose is most likely positive and healthy for you. Let’s try to remember that and embrace our Swedish brothers and sisters as they forge a path towards more openness for the rest of the world.

Turn up the Dancing Queen song by Abba and enjoy yourself!

Read More

Madtown Spank Fest

October 14, 2008   bdsm, kink, sex, sex positive, sexuality

We are a lucky group here in Madison because we have just enough kink functions to keep most people busy every weekend. It also means that if you are new to Madison and/or the kink community you have an opportunity to learn at Madtown Spank Fest! It is an adult only function but you do not have to any previous knowledge of BDSM/kink to attend. You simply need to have an open mind and be ready to explore.

Now you can go on the website and see more details about presenters (myself included!) and demos but if you are new to “the scene” you may be a bit nervous about attending a mini-convention of this sort. Rest assured your friendly alternative-sex-therapist is here to help walk you through the basics.

1) Do I have to dress up in leather and/or be tied up in front a bunch of people?

This is pretty much one of the first things that always gets asked of me if it is about a convention or a play party. The answer is… no you do not have to do anything … unless you want to. You can wear casual clothing. Also, Spank will have specific times for a play party that you may or may not attend depending on your desire. You may also attend and just watch, I promise it is 100% okay to go and just be a voyeur!!

2) Will people try to talk to me and expect me to know all the terminology/lingo?

Well… some people may try to talk to you because they are friendly and eager to help but you are not going to be expected to talk or answer questions. And a huge part of this event is for new people to come and learn. The organizers really care about helping create a community that is welcoming. So if you want to talk you can, if you want to ask about stuff you can, and if you want to be silent you can do that too.

3) Do I have to know if I am a Dom/Top/Master/Mistress/Sub/Bottom/Slave/Switch before I go?

Goodness no you don’t have to know anything other than an interest in finding out about BDSM… that is it. I swear to you that no one will make you confess you know what flavor of BDSM you happen to like. However, this is a great place to help you discover possible interests and/or leanings you may have in the power exchange arena.

4) What if I don’t like something I see or here?

It is possible that you may go to a demo/class and realize that what you are learning about doesn’t work for you. That is totally okay and you are welcome to leave and wait for another presentation to begin. There is no hard and fast rule that you have to be “into” everything that is displayed. You are encouraged to have an opinion as to what works and what does not work for you personally.

5) What if I freak out?

Well, that all depends. If you feel overwhelmed by all the data that comes your way and it is positive then you can discuss that with others, write about it, go try something, and/or process it in the way that works best for you. If you feel like the whole scene is just too much for you right now then you are encouraged to do similar things as mentioned above for processing as well as perhaps leave Spank earlier than expected.  If you feel like you are enjoying things so much and your life will change forever and you are not sure how to go back to your old self, then I would say seeing someone like me could be helpful as a way to help you learn to accept your evolving sexuality in a positive way.  No matter what, you will have people there and/or in your life that will support you. I encourage you to share your experience with someone you trust in a way that feels safe for you.

Sexuality can be a tricky journey and Spank Fest is just another stepping stone in helping you along your path.  Still, I do know for a fact that if you have questions, are new to the scene, want to learn more, or see things in a safe way then Madtown Spank Fest is a really good place to start. Plus, I’ll be there and you are more than welcome to come up and ask me questions.  That is what I’m there for!

I hope to see you there in just a few weeks!

Read More

Sex and Gender

August 16, 2008   books, gender, sex, sexuality, trans

I finished reading the widely acclaimed book, She’s Not The Man I Married, by Helen Boyd. And like most books I read on the topic it takes us on a journey of self discovery. There is more than sexuality, gender, marriage, romance, children, family, or wok involved. When any one of us look more deeply at what we accept of ourselves and others and attempt to widen the lens a lot of emotions will come to the surface.

I have more than a few clients to are curious about transitioning, some just cross dresser, and others who are in the process of transitioning. There are so many intricate levels combined with the discussion of personal sexuality and gender understanding that most times we find ourselves with more questions than answers. Furthermore, when a client of mine has a spouse, as many of them do, the complexities become almost mind boggling.

There was one specific part of Helen Boyd’s book that really made me smile. It reads ” We are a heterosexual couple who are simultanesouly a butch/femme couple… Coming from a straight world, where the culture assumed that Betty had to be butch because she was a man and I was femme because I am a woman. A relationship based on roles for the relationship and not the system around them … gave me permission to figure out what my own gender is all about.”

The author points out an amazing twist that not only did her husband become her wife she (the author) also was always the more masculine one in the relationship. In stereotypical lesbian terms, the author was butch and her husband/wife was femme. One can see just how sexuality and gender are fluid and finding a balance for whatever works for those involved is what is key.  There is no set rules, it comes down to what makes those involved happy.

As a therapist, I am not here to tell anyone how to believe, feel, or think. I am here to help each client meet their goals. For a good number of clients the dreams they have can appear at odds. Yet, as with most things in life there is more than the black or white and we tend to live in the gray. I don’t convince clients to transition, cross dress, or be gay nor do I convince their partners/family to accept a client’s desire to do any of the above. I am here to help each person work through the confusing process of parting ways or staying together with as little pain as possible.

Beyond all else I have found with working with alternative sexuality clients, is that they are brave. They are willing to risk it all to find out what makes them real. They have an honest desire to create a life for themselves (and with others) that provides full ownership of self.  More often then not, I am awe-struck by the courage that an alternative sexuality client has even by walking in the door to come in and talk with me.

Read More

Madison WI aka A Kinky Community

August 10, 2008   bdsm, kink, sex, sex positive

A few months back I was interviewed by John Mendelssohn for an article on the Madison kink scene for Dane 101. I figured it would be questions about what I thought about the scene as a therapist in the community. Turns out Mr. Mendelssohn had a great number of truly interesting questions about my ideas on sexuality, kink, and the goodness of the two.

We talked for at least thirty minutes and I came out wondering what exactly would be used for the article. The results of the article can be found here It’s Easy To Be Kinky.  I admit that knowing pretty much everyone that Mendelssohn spoke to for the article made me smile. I enjoy the alternative sexuality community in Madison and am pleased that it would overall get such a positive review.

I must say that beyond all I think Mendelssohn did take away from his discussion with me one of my core beliefs as a therapist.  He quotes me in regards to those women that make the choice to be submissive by saying, “I celebrate their having the courage and strength of character. In my practice, I don’t want anyone, regardless of what may excite them, to feel pathologized.’

I believe that each one of us has a core sexuality. That may be all about making love, cuddling, sharing pillow talk, and falling asleep in each others arms afterwards. Or one’s sexuality may be about creating a shared experience with various levels of power exchange, pleasurable pain, and aftercare where everyone comes back to center again. Whatever version of sexuality you enjoy please remember it is an expression of yourself and it is beautiful.

Read More
©2008-2012 JSJ Therapy. email: jsj@jsjtherapy.com Jasmine St. John, LMFT, WI #788-124